Through the Looking Glass
by comaXwhite
Summary: Mostly about Ellie, will eventually turn into Sellie. Spoilers for 618619 eventually.
1. Chapter 1

It consumes you. Even after you put it down and just stare at it, the light reflecting off of the blade. The blood drying on the blade. But it's no longer an unusual occurrence for me, I'm used to it now. It didn't used to be this way; I used to have an amazing body. Perfect, a little pale, but scar less. Now I'll never be able to wear shorts or a bikini. I'm surprised I can even wear short sleeves, not that I often do. The worst ones are the jagged, diagonal line at the bottom of my thigh, and when I carved 'Loveless' into my thigh. I don't think they'll ever go away. But it's not like it matters; no one will ever love me enough to want to see my thigh. Hell, no one will love me period.

Your mom is supposed to love you, because you're her kid. My mom loves the bottle more than she loves me. Well, maybe that's a lie. She loves the _full_ bottle more than she loves me. When it's about empty, then it's the same. I pick up those empty bottles and throw them away, each one breaking the spirit I once had. Each one flawing my once porcelain skin. Each one making the cuts a little longer, a tad bit deeper. And my dad's not even around to notice it. He left with the army. I love him, I do, but I think, the more I think about it, the more I resent him. I want him here, helping me. I'm too selfish to want him in Kabul, or Iraq, Iran, or anywhere that isn't Toronto. He's _my_ dad, _I_ need him. Who knows if he'll ever stay long enough to see what I've turned into.

Sitting in front of the mirror I study myself. I see every single flaw, just like everyone else sees. My hair is a mess. The color is fine, but the texture is terrible. I gets rough and messy looking. It curls in random directions if I sleep on it wrong. My pores are like craters, someone who could wear a bikini could swim in them. My wrists are so thin they look like they could crack. _Snap_. My breasts, or lack there of, instill the idea that no boy will ever want me. And I spend so much time wondering why I'm alone.

I do this a lot. When I'm bored, or upset, or need a distraction. I sometimes do it when I don't want to cut, but then, I notice every flaw and I cut worse than I originally would have. Then I'm taking out two problems on myself, not just one. It makes no sense. I make no sense. But maybe one time, everything will turn from mud to glass and I'll see through all these problems and solve them. Never relapse again. Yea, never again will I drag this razor against my arm. Never again will my tainted thigh know the touch of the blade, or have my problems be taken out on it. I said it before, I promised myself I wouldn't. More importantly, I promised someone else I wouldn't. Because making a promise to Ellie Nash means nothing, they're empty words said out loud to see how they sound. They're not taken seriously. But that promise failed. I held onto it as long as I could though.

It was a nice idea while it lasted. I kept the rubber bands and tried the snapping over and over, but after a while, I got used to it. I had to cut, I kept the bands so no one would ask, but I just had to. With everything going on, Paige hooking up with Jesse, it's just weird. They're around the house, together, all couple-y. Awkward. Especially because I considered sleeping with him. Just, I don't know. I can't word it. I can never word it. Hence the scars. Maybe I'm just expressionally challenged. Or maybe I just don't have anyone to talk to. When I was younger, and my mom was passed out, I would sometimes talk to her. Once, when Dad was on a trip, I talked to her about Marco. Later, when Dad was back and she was sober, she said that for some reason, she didn't care about me being alone with Marco. Just a strange sense of trust, she said. After that I never talked again. I never trusted her to make me a sandwich, let alone with my most personal secrets and feelings. I hardly see her now though. She got out of rehab, that I know, and I know how little rehab did. It was probably turning the doorknob and walking into an empty house. I used to go over there every weekend, just to clean up a bit and make sure she was ok. But once I sent Craig to live with Joey, I stopped. If Craig, an 18 year old, could take care of his problem, my mother certainly could. She just doesn't want to. I have a secret, it's that every day, I feel a little bit worse about my mother. But there's nothing I can do.

Sickened by my reflection, the reflection of an abandoner, I started to pace the room. There was a draft in the room; the cold of December came through the windowpanes and into my already shaking body. My old, worn in gray sweatshirt did little to keep me warm, but did more than my black shorts. I can only do this at 2 AM, or a time like that. When no ones awake, or if they are awake, their activities aren't something that I should be involved in. I pulled my messy hair into a ponytail, and as I caught a glimpse of myself, I let my long, red hair fall around my face. I brushed it out, it looked almost perfect. I pulled it up and over, into the side ponytail I had too often as I walked through the halls of Degrassi. It seemed like so long ago, though in reality it was only half a year. Maybe it just felt like so long because it had been a while since the last time I was truly happy. The last time I wore my hair like this for a reason. It was how my hair was when I first kissed him. I swear, I'm not a stalker. Maybe he is. The next time I threw it up in my hurried run to school, he said he had to kiss me because of my hair, so on special occasions, I wore my hair like that. Just for him. After he left, if I wore my hair like that, my heart was heavy. I pulled the hair tie out and threw it across the room, then collapsed onto my bed.

Sometimes I wonder what would've been. What could've been. Sometimes, it's even what _should_ have been. But mostly, I know that things couldn't have worked out. If they were meant to, they would have. Clearly he's over everything, Ashley told me he's back at Degrassi and I didn't even get a phone call. My cell is still the same number. But nothing. I guess he's back with Emma, poor guy. Whatev. It's not my business. He can be with little miss save the world, while I'm alone with my razor. No one would want me anyway, not after knowing what I've done to myself.

After a while I pulled myself off of my bed and ran my hand over the handle. The dim lamp reflected off of the blood stained metal as I picked it up and placed in the drawer closest to the ground. I then turned out the lamp and eventually drifted off to sleep.

---

I woke up around 11, greeted by the smell of fresh coffee. I turned my head toward the door and nearly jumped 10 feet while having a heart attack. Jesse was sitting there, reading papers, which I assumed to be for the Torch. "Do you mind telling me why you're sitting half a foot from my bed at 11 in the morning?" I asked him, trying to prove my annoyance so he would leave and be far, far away from my bare leg underneath the layers of covers.

"I was just proofing the rough drafts and noticed that someone was missing theirs. Do you have it now?"

"I'm really not in the mood to put up with you right now. Get out of my room, I'll give you it later."

"You know, you can't expect special treatment because you're Paige's friend," he said, not taking his dark eyes from the paper.

"I didn't take special treatment when _I_ was your girlfriend, why would I take it from Paige?"

"Just give me the article today or it's not getting in the edition," he said, getting up and leaving the room. It's weird that I don't care. At all. I know I should, since journalism is my major, but the article is about the math majors, or lack there of. It's just dull, no one is going to want to read it. I don't think I'm going to turn it in. I'll just face Jesse and get some air.

---

After getting into a two second discussion with Jesse, consisting of "The article is stupid, I'm not writing it" followed by the sound of a heavy door closing, I got in my car and drove down to the Dot. Everyone is so young. The freshman keep getting shorter and shorter, while the sophomores get more and more obnoxious. I walked in, looking for any familiar face and was greeted with none. I ordered a hamburger and sat in the booth waiting for my food to be done. Yep, I gave up my vegetarianism long ago. I remember when I was 'dating' Marco and his mom would always make me a special sauce because she made the family one with beef in it. During my junior year I had my first taste of meat in a few years. Same with Sean. Maybe it was watching all those late night infomercials with chicken rotisseries and steak knives and grills. He eventually cracked one day, saying he had to have a hamburger and he was sorry that it went against something important to me. I handed him his keys and coat and led him to the Dot, where we got two hamburgers. Later I threw a fry at him for letting me be so weak, but we both know it was what I wanted. This burger doesn't taste as good, the other was amazing. Maybe it's a new chef. It tastes burnt, undercooked, anything, just not perfect. I'll eat it anyway though, I already paid.

I pulled out my laptop, well, Marco's laptop, and read my assignment. We only have class on Wednesday and Friday, so the professor posts everything online. We have to write about loss. Well, this should be pretty easy. I could do it about my mom, my dad, Sean, Ashley, Marco. Yes, as much as I hate myself for it, I thought Marco abandoned me after I stopped pretending to be his girlfriend. I know I was wrong, but it was still there. But I think I'm going to write about my first loss, my first best friend, Maisha.

_We had met in the fifth grade, my last name started with N and hers with M, so we were always by each other. We were complete opposites on the outside. She was loud, saying whatever she wanted to whoever she wanted, not caring about anything. I was so shy, I barely spoke. I don't even know how we even started talking. We just got put in the same schooling group. We were home schooled, which meant that we were signed up and put into groups of around 7 people, and were taught at people's houses. Maisha was the skinniest person there; she had thick, dark brown hair and green eyes. My hair was relatively straight, red of course. Eventually we started going to each other's houses, going to the park, everything. This carried on through middle school, even though I was eventually put in a real school. She soon followed for 7__th__ grade, where her social life took off. _

_Her first day there, she got a boyfriend. He just randomly asked her out, and of course, being Maisha, she said yes. This led her quest to get me a boyfriend, so we could double. She went through every guy there, some getting disqualified for qualities they had that she didn't like. Others for already having a girlfriend, and some for already liking someone. In my mind, I always wanted her to stop. I told her I didn't need a boyfriend, I was fine with just hanging out with her. But really, I was terrified that she would think less of me because no one wanted to date me. I never told her this though. Eventually she dumped him and started hanging out with these older guys, Brandon and Chico. She dated Chico and set me up with Brandon. Both relationships quickly ended. Through middle school, she dated random guys, I was the third wheel, and no one questioned it. _

_Then high school came. We went to Morton West for freshman year. For anyone unfamiliar with the school, I'll explain it to you. Driving up, you see the small, square, white building. Around this building you see the barbed wire fence they use to try to prevent people from ditching class. Once you're through the gate, there's cigarette butts scattered across the grass, trash everywhere but the trashcans. Through the heavy front doors, there are cops. They have dogs, to try to prevent any drugs from getting through from the outside world. More often than not, the dogs are so preoccupied with one stoner they miss fifteen others. Walking though the halls, you're greeted with the strong aroma of weed coming through the locker doors. During classes there's locker checks and passes being written to the students to come down. This is what a low budget school is like. _

_Maisha and I stuck together whenever we could. We hung out with the same people, which probably led to our downfall. Cleary, there wasn't the best student population at the school. We started hanging out with a guy we renamed Frankie. Frankie was a good guy, he just made some bad choices. Well, we made the bad choices with him. One day he came up to us at lunch, his hands shoved deep in his pockets. "Guess what," he said. "I found a joint," he finished, giving us .02 seconds to answer. He pulled it out, carefully looking over his shoulder and all around us. Later that day we smoked it, it was my first and last joint. From then on, Frankie smoked all the time. Maisha would only do it when we were with him, and I pretended to. Then came the drinking. _

_Maisha and I were at my house, sitting on my bed, trying desperately to do our Spanish homework and each time failing miserably. I watched as my mom's car pulled out of the driveway, she was on her way to look at houses in Toronto. My dad wanted to move closer to the city. "This is bogus," Maisha said as she threw down her pen. "I'm bored, let's do something." I informed her that there was nothing to do at my house. "Your mom stays here all day, what does she do?" Maisha knew about my mom's drinking, she'd seen it plenty of times before. _

"_You know what she does," I said, gluing my eyes to the cracked floorboards. "I guess we could take some."_

"_Only if you want to."_

_I got up off the bed, and she followed me. I headed down the stairs, avoiding the first step at the bottom, it was always wobbly and I was always afraid it would fall through one day. I headed into the laundry room and walked to the back corner, where the baskets were. I dug around the bottom, fishing my arm around trying to find it. I knew it was there, I had seen her put it there. I eventually felt the bottle and pulled it out. I untwisted the cap and smelled it. My face scrunched up as I pulled it away from myself. Maisha took the bottle and downed a sip, handing it back to me. I took a smaller, more hesitant one, then another, and another. By the end of the night Maisha had left and I was searching the house for more bottles. _

_My mom came back with my dad the next morning, to find me passed out on the floor. I had never heard her scream at me so loud. I fell asleep with a full bottle, a full, open bottle. My mom called Maisha's mom and said what we had done, getting both of us a serious grounding. I saw her at school only, we were still, in my mind, just as close. _

_Then I heard it. It was like a buzzsaw, it was so loud, yet it made no sense to me. I heard it from Angela, "Maisha's sick of you following her around." Me? Following? Since when? I mean, I knew it was only a matter of time. Eventually she'd get sick of me and leave. But I couldn't believe that she suddenly got so sick of it. I never said anything to her though. Things just stayed the same. Then summer came. I told her I was moving June 8, so she should come by on last time. She never came. She hated me. We drove away from the house, but I kept staring. I never saw her again; she was never on the news so I'm assuming she's still alive. She was my first best friend, and the first person to hate me._

I reread the entire thing, while replaying that day in my head. She never had any reason to hate me. But what was Sean's reason for hating me? This is why I know I will never find love.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I forgot it in the first chapter. But, I own nothing from Degrassi. This goes for all future chapters.

---

My hand was shaking. I couldn't believe it was happening. Really happening. The room was dim, only my lamp was on. My books scattered around me on the floor, the geometry book open to my homework on angles. The notebook which told me I had to do problems 2-24, yet only 2-6 were finished. My mother could be clearly heard in the bathroom, the vodka leaving her system only to be replaced by more vodka momentarily. But then, it all went away. I was in my own world. It was silent, I couldn't hear or see anything. I started to panic, what did I just do? Did I hit a vein, what if someone saw? Was this normal? Was this right? Would this solve anything?

Ellie Nash 

_12/8/06_

As my eyes moved from left to right, I knew that no ones eyes would ever see this. It's my own exercise for class and the Torch. Trying to use as many details as I can to help build up my imagery. The only problem is, most of my memorable moments are terrible. So I'll never know if it's good or not. Whatever, this will have to do. It's pretty detailed.

I replay that day a lot in my head. A little after Dad left us, left me alone to fend for myself. It was something I was used to. We'd always had that problem, my Dad could never do anything about it though. There's a reason why I'm an only child.

I remember one time when I was staying with my cousins. At the time, I was told that Mommy and Daddy were on their own vacation and it was too boring so I couldn't go. In reality, as I later learned, Daddy was on the base and Mommy was too drunk to take care of me and refused any help. So I stayed with Tim. I was around four at the time, Tim about eight, possibly nine depending on the timing. I always followed him around. Tim always wore baggy clothes. Oversized striped shirts with big khaki shorts, with basketball shoes on. I had the girl version of this, well, my own version of this at least. Mismatched clothes, I wore leggings underneath a skirt. I had a shirt on that didn't match at all. Along with boys basketball shoes that I insisted on having, even though they were a size or two too big. On this day, I remember our exact outfits.

Tim was wearing a big, white shirt with a purple strip along the middle. I had on a Strawberry Shortcake sweater with a purple skirt, which had a glittery trim around the bottom. My leggings were teal, and my shoes were, of course, the basketball ones. My hair was in pigtails.

Tim decided he was bored and pulled out his bike from the wall of the garage. I stood by the door, looking at buckets of beads. My other cousins, Jennifer and Jessica, would make jewelry with them. I pretended not to be upset by his leaving me alone, but at that age I hadn't yet perfected the "I'm ok, really, don't worry" act. He stood on some cardboard boxes and grabbed his old, blue bike, complete with training wheels. He put it next to his red bike and told me to 'get on now and keep up, or just stay here and make girly necklaces.' I took some big steps toward the bike and hopped on, waiting for his direction.

He rode down the long driveway, opening the gate and closing it once I was through. I remember wobbling from side to side, my balance unsteady, but trying to imitate his perfect posture. He turned right, cut across the street and behind the alley. We were right by my house, but I didn't dare pause and look at it, for fear of losing Tim. We stopped at the park, which was good for me because I hadn't completely mastered riding a bike yet. I never would either. Tim locked up his bike and run toward the jungle gym, jumping up on the monkey bars and climbing up to the top of the towering slide. He went down and repeated the process. This was far too complicated for a four year old, so I went to the swings instead. The bottom was kind of loose, but I still went on them. Tim came over and sat on the swing next to me. He told me to do the opposite of him, that I had to go forward when he went back. After a few tries we got it. He started saying 'Hi' or 'Bye' whenever we were in the same position, in the middle. We did it for hours, even after that day we continued to play our game.

He eventually jumped off the swing and told me to wait there, he was going to get something to eat. There was a baseball game in progress, so the concession stand was open. I watched as his figure got smaller and smaller, then skipped over to the sand box. I made shapes and designs in the sand, nothing very important, just whatever would come to the mind of a four year old. Tim came back and said we had to go because it was about to storm. He unlocked his bike and we started to head toward his house. Moments later, it started pouring. The air was thick and blurry, I could barely steer the miniature bike. He told me to stop at my house and ask for a ride. I had no idea what he was talking about but followed.

We put the bikes in the garage, Tim was paranoid about his precious baby getting rusted. We knocked continually on the door until my mom, disheveled as could be, opened the door. Her hair was a mess, greasy and wild. She was in a sweat suit, which looked dirty. She looked at us for a few seconds with a questioning look on her face. Then, as if she figured out who we were, she moved out of the doorway and let us in. "Eleanor, your hair, it's a mess. I spent so much time on it this morning. And did you ch-change your clothes?" Most of her words were somewhat slurred but still understandable.

"Mommy, I was over at Aunt Mary's this morning, remember? Are you back from vacation?"

"Vacation? You are so weird Eleanor. Well let's give him back home, I'm sure it'll take at least fifteen minutes with this storm. Let's go, you two through the garage." We didn't keep the car in the garage there. It was full of boxes waiting to be put in a permanent home. We walked through the sheets of rain, pulling on the doors and climbing into the car. The ride there was silent, and looking back on it, it was one of the worst car rides of my life. I was afraid just thinking about it. On the way home, she almost went over the curb a few times. But that was nothing.

I was always a small girl, so the seat belt didn't fit me. It was too loose. My mom told me to stop complaining and put up with no seat belt. After all, it was only a ten minute drive in the rain. But my mom was too drunk to drive. One minute I was looking at the rain, thinking that I hoped it wouldn't ruin the glitter on my skirt, because then it would be ruined. The next minute I was in a white room.

The details were later filled in. My mom blew a stop sign and ran into another car. The other person was fine, and my mom had a migraine or something to that effect. But the little four-year-old girl with no seat belt got rammed into the passenger side window, cutting her face and giving her a concussion. The little four-year-old girl needed stitches across her forehead because of the big gash she got. The little girl's mom went to rehab after that.

My dad obviously found out, and that's why they never tried to have another child. I was ok after that, but I don't think I ever really trusted my mom again. I think that hurt my relationship with my dad as well. He knew that she could have easily killed me, and all he did was get permission for us to move with him.

My thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door. I looked in the mirror, brushed my long hair behind my ears with my fingers, and opened the door. I was greeted by my tall, oddly cheery friend. "Hey El," she said as her boots clicked against the dark, hardwood floor. She put her purse on the chair and threw her heavy coat across the back of it. "Hope I wasn't interrupting anything."

"No, nothing important," I said as I formally brushed my hair, looking at my forehead to see a faint, light scar. Barely visible if you weren't told to look for it. Maybe my other scars will be like this in 14 years. "So, what's up with you and Jimmy? Have you guys… you know, yet?"

"Not yet, and if it's ok, I'd rather not get into it. It's been seriously affecting Jimmy and I just want to take my mind off of the subject for a while. Well, at least concerning me. So spill, you and Jesse… Jesse and Paige… either of those relationships serious?"

"I never thought about it, him and Paige. I've been avoiding them for the entire two-second relationship. And me and Jesse never slept together. Hence his hooking up with random bar skank. Unless random bar skank wasn't random and was actually Paige and he just didn't know it was her."

Ashley gave a small laugh. "Ok, Paige is a lot of negative things, and I'm talking from experience here, but skank, not so much."

"Well I suppose if you don't want a Paige bashing session we could just move on to something else."

"Shouldn't you be Emma bashing right about now? I mean after everything that's happened with her and Sean, I just figured you would have more against her. After all you did love Sean."

"Did being the important part there. All in the past Ash. But um, what exactly has happened between them, just out of bored curiosity?"

"Do you have a clear schedule, because this could take a while."

---

After telling me all of the gory details and answering Jimmy's call, Ashley walked out of the old house and left me alone, once again, with my thoughts. Only this time it wasn't about how my mom nearly killed me, or about how fucked up my childhood was. This time it was about how fucked up Sean's present is. He dropped out? He ran over someone? He almost left town? He enlisted? Almost got Emma pregnant? I felt myself getting a migraine.

Honestly, what the hell? Sean's big goal was to graduate. I remember the look on his face when he his student welfare sheets. His giant grin seemed misplaced against his oversized hoodie and black beanie. But he was so excited. He took things seriously, he even asked me for help with math homework. What happened to that?

I remember a time when there was so much pain in his strong frame from the shooting. He blamed himself, it was clearly written on his face and there was no denying it. He had to get away, but I don't know how much good that did. But he came back only to run someone over? And from what Ashley said, all he seemed concerned with was Emma.

What happened to Sean? He's unrecognizable. But I probably am too. When he left, I hadn't cut for four months. He made me promise that I would call him if I felt the need to. And once I moved in, he made me promise to talk to him anytime, he made me promise on his life. Now, I'd added plenty of scars to my collection. Every single scar on my leg to be exact. I'm not even the same on the outside. I've ditched the mesh and layers for the most part. Now it's jeans and comfy clothes. I'm not the same gothic, outcast Ellie. And he's not the same outcast Sean. What happened to us? I completely changed around Craig, I just tried to be the bubbly girl I thought he needed. And Emma's apparently changed him completely. Why can't things be the same?

I walked over to my closet and pulled out a dark, wood box. Inside there were papers and at the bottom, what I was looking for. Year books, specifically grade ten. Sean's grade nine. It's weird how he's so much older than me, since his birthday is October, but he's a grade below me. I looked at the lines… Camacho, Camarrata, Carison, Cameron. Sean Cameron. Wearing a scowl on his face and a black beanie on his head. That's the Sean I met. He was actually pretty different though. I remember my first thoughts clearly, as if I'd just had them run through my head moments ago. _Pretty cute, but so hardcore. Not hardcore hardcore, just, a wannabe. He'd never get me._ I wrote him off but he reopened the book and changed all of that. He touched my cuts. He _touched_ them. He had sex with Emma Nelson. He almost get Emma Nelson pregnant. I just… I don't know. I can't explain.

That's why looking down, I see four fresh cuts, the blood still coming out and tainting my pale skin. The fresh air stung against the wounds, leaving me to wonder why I did it. Sean and I have been over for a long time now, I can't figure it out. Maybe it's because before he left, I though we'd have sex. I was planning it actually. It was supposed to happen three days after the shooting. It never took place, Sean was in Wasaga and I was alone. Now I'm a virgin and he's happy with Emma. He wasn't a virgin before we met; him and Amy were basically rabbits. But I didn't care, I knew he would understand and take things slowly. And he did. _He loves me,_ I thought as I went to get up. The movement stung my leg as the reality sunk it. _He loved me._

---

A/N: I'd just like to thank anyone who reviews. I won't annoy anyone by constantly asking, but they're always appreciated. I'll also take any input you have for the story. I don't have a set path for everything that has to happen. I have an idea, actually based on something in my life right now, but I don't know if it will fit right. Constructive criticism is welcome. Thanks for reading.


	3. Chapter 3

I sat on the couch, my feet stretched out and to the side. Flipping through the channels, I decided on the E! True Hollywood Story of 'Dirty Dancing,' some American movie I'd seen once. Sean and I were at my house. My mom was at an AA meeting. I felt his arms wrap around my shoulders, then travel down to my hands. He pulled me up and said he had to help me with something. "Your mom is killing you," he said. "We're looking for her bottles. She has to stop, it hurts you too much." Without giving me time to respond, he grabbed my hand and pulled me into the bathroom. Into the kitchen, the dining room, her bedroom, the front hall closet, laundry room, everywhere. We counted 26 bottles. He apologized and poured them down the drain. The stench of it drove me crazy. I broke down, turning to the table and placing my weight onto the steady chair. I started scratching at my wrist without even realizing it. Uncertainty was written on his face, he had no clue what to do. He lightly brushed my arm, then, as he gained courage, he moved the sleeve up, exposing my healing cuts. He pulled up my hand and kissed my wrist. He kissed my frustration, my pain, my unvocalized fears. My tear stained face dried, my pain left and was replaced by something else. I felt dizzy, lightheaded, something. My heart felt deeper. I fell in love.

Ellie Nash

_12/9/06_

---

Through the long hallway, there were plenty of blondes. Emma stood out because of her height. She stood at her locker, combing her hair, perfecting her almost perfect shade of blonde hair. Along that same hallway, there sat a girl on a bench, her only company a book whose cover was obscured by her tiny hand. Her red hair covered her face, her nails stained black with silver tips, matching her jewelry, her eyes glued to her book. She suddenly looked up, her hair shifting from the front to the sides. Sean could see her tear stained face, dark streaks polluted her pale skin. Her face no longer contained disassociated look, which later was replaced by contentment. Her eyes locked on Sean's, full of pain and longing, fear and hope. "S-Sean…" she whispered, so delicately he had to walk forward. "I love you…"

"Sean let's go! I'm going to be late for my doctor's appointment. This is important you know," Emma said, forcing Sean out of his sleep. He got up, grabbed his jacket and keys, then led her out to the car. They were on their way to get an official pregnancy test done.

Emma yanked open the door, then crouched down to get inside the tiny car. She pulled out her compact, checking her makeup. As Sean began to drive, Emma spoke up. "Sean, I was thinking, maybe you should get tested."

"Emma, I was always safe. You're fine, I'm fine, we're good. We've been good."

"How many girls have you had sex with?"

"What?"

"You heard me Sean, how many? Because sex is something serious and if you don't take it seriously-"

"Oh, and you did?" Sean snapped back, cutting off her statement.

"That is so unfair Sean, I was going through something, don't judge me about something like that," Emma defended.

"Ok, whatever."

"So how many? Not including oral."

"Three."

"Three?"

"Yes, three."

"Who? I mean Amy's obvious, Ellie's a given… who's the other, Manny?" Emma inquired, half joking with her last suggestion.

"Amy, Lizzie and Carrie. I never did that with Ellie," Sean informed her, trying to hide the remorse that often crept from the bottom of his heart and into his words, his thoughts, his unconscious.

"Oh, so you and Ellie weren't about sex."

Sean pretended to not notice the disappointment in her voice. "Nope."

"So it was real?"

"Yea."

"Like us?"

"It was real."

---

"So, Ellie, lately, I've noticed a ginormous rift between us. Usually the banter is more witty and less frigid. So if there's anything on your mind, feel free to spill," Paige said, shifting on my bed. I remained silent. "Anything at all." I rolled my eyes and looked at the floor. "Gee hun, I'm getting a headache with all the chatter."

I took a deep breath. "Paige, you're dating Jesse. I know I said it was cool, but I just don't see it working." Lies. It was all lies. Jesse wasn't the one making me stay up all night.

"I totally get why you fell for him. He's smart, funny, a good conversationalist. His only flaw is his terrible looks," Paige said, attempting at a joke.

"How close are we, really? We've barely said two words to each other since Ashley left, and since she came back, it's been fighting."

"I know we aren't exactly BFFs, but I'd like to think that after your… problem, we'd at least be on acquaintance terms."

"I'm sorry, I've been a bitch lately, just give me longer than a week, ok?" I want the subject changed. Now.

"Sure thing, promise. If you need anything, I'm down the hall. Really, anything at all. I'm your college drop out, broke therapist."

"Great. Well, now you should be Jesse's hopefully one and only girlfriend."

"Hopefully? Less cryptic and more explaining please."

"When I was with Jesse he hooked up with a girl at a bar. Just be careful."

"Yea, sure thing. I'm sure it was just some drunken, one time thing," Paige said, shock and paranoia written on her face. "I'll talk to you later," she said, moving off the bed and out and of the room.

I can't believe I just said that. In all honesty, I don't know why I did it. It wasn't to break them up. I wouldn't sink that low and it wouldn't last that long anyway. Besides, Jesse isn't the one on my mind.

The more I think about it, the more I know it's true. I wouldn't just take him back. He left me, alone with an apartment. He left me alone, having to turn back to my mother. I often wonder what would've happened if he'd stayed. But a lot of the time, I wonder more about whether I would still examine every one of my flaws, if I would still wear my baggy, worn in sweatshirt with shorts to give my leg some fresh air. If I would be this exhausted, this worn down. Or if, on every February 27, I would wear my hair in a side ponytail, and every year on October 14, the same hairstyle with his favorite shirt, the black and pink mesh jacket with a hot pink tank top underneath. A long sleeved black shirt underneath the tank top. He had no clue what was layered; he just said it looked amazing on me. I wore it on special occasions.

I played through it in my mind once. I would walk into graduation for Ash and Jimmy, sit through the entire ceremony alone, then feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around, and there he is. Older, more mature, but still wearing that black beanie I pretended to hate but secretly loved. He would say 'Do you want to talk?' and we'd go up to the rooftop, and talk, learn about each other again. Become friends, then one day, I'll get a rose. Just one, a purple one, on the door to my room with a note saying what he wants to do for a date. We'll go somewhere small, like, the Dot I guess, and just talk. Then maybe a week or two later, we'll be exclusive. We'll eventually get another pet, this time a rabbit, since I've always wanted one.

Sometimes I have too much time on my hands. But I'd rather make elaborate scenes in my head than stare at a bloody, used razor for fifteen minutes, wondering if I should cut or not only to look down and realize that I already had to and it was all finished for now. I miss it though. Things were so much simpler when I had someone to lean on, when someone took my pain and did everything he could to smash it and make it disappear.

---

"What do you think of Jessica?" Emma asked, shifting in her seat to face her boyfriend.

"Who's Jessica?"

"Our daughter. Potential daughter, if there is one and we need a name, that is. So, Jessica, yay or nay?"

"Can we please wait until this test is done before we start naming fetuses?"

"Sure. You'll be gone anyway, so it won't really matter if her name is Jessica or… Faloolah. You could care less."

"Emma, I didn't know about this until after I enlisted. I can't do anything, and besides, maybe you're just freaking out about nothing."

"I'm late and that home pregnancy kit cost $10, how reliable can that be? Besides, maybe it would be… interesting, a challenge. We have to look on the bright side, right?"

Sean was about to answer when a knocking sound filled the tiny room. Dr. Silver asked for permission to enter, then walked through the brown door. "Well Miss Nelson, it seems that your pregnancy has come back negative, the first was correct."

"But I'm late, how am I late if I'm not pregnant?" Emma asked, thinking that there was no way she could let Sean go.

"It's a common side effect of starting the birth control pill. You'll be irregular for two, three months. After that you'll be on schedule."

"Oh. Ok, well, thank you. My parents will just have to wait a few more years for that heart attack, I guess."

"I can only imagine how relieved they are that their 17 year old isn't pregnant. If that's all, I'll see you next appointment."

"Actually, Dr. Silver, Sean here was thinking about getting tested."

"Emma!"

"What? Sean it is not a bad idea, you've had sex with three women, you could be walking around with HIV and syphilis! One test, one."

"You get tested for all of that when you enlist. I'm clean. We should get going," Sean said, walking out of the room.

"Thanks," Emma said with embarrassment etched in her face.

Once in the car, Emma let loose. "What the hell was that? That is my doctor, Sean, you don't cause some scene there, you take the damn test!"

"Not if I don't want to. The world doesn't revolve around you, I'm clean, I know it."

"Sean! What if it was positive?"

"I would've gotten it treated."

"No. What if we had Jessica? What if _that_ was positive?"

"I would've supported you however I could."

"You would've dumped me?" Emma stammered, leaning backwards toward the car door.

"No, I would have been in basic training though."

"You would've gone?" Her fear turned into anger.

"Emma, I couldn't just desert."

"Sean, I need some time. I want to go home, and take a nap," she said, facing forward and out the windshield. He dropped her off and went back to his own apartment, an empty apartment. He'd barely lived alone before. A few months after Tracker left, things with Ellie's mom went downhill and he needed to get her as far away as possible. It was like a stab in the heart every time he saw her cry because of her mother, and it was even worse when she hurt herself because of her. As he sat on the couch, Sean began to doubt that his feelings for Ellie would ever go away.

---

A/N: As far as updates go, I can guarantee an update with basically the same time space as before. My tenth hour class (psych AP) is all movies for the rest of the year so I've been writing like crazy in there. As anyone from DB knows, I'm not exactly the biggest fan of Emma, so expect some slight Emma bashing in future chapters. I'm trying not to go overboard, but sometimes, it'll probably just come out.

Thanks to the reviewers, any input you guys have is always appreciated.


	4. Chapter 4

The stench of smoke polluted the tiny, enclosed hall. It was terrible, I could hardly breathe. Sean commented on it as he pulled on the door and we entered his apartment, but that was a few days ago. The house still reeked. Last time I was there, I was crashing. Now, I was bringing a pet with me. I was looking at this adorable bunny, but I figured Sean wouldn't want one so I got a ferret instead. Bueller was in the living room, on a table by the couch, Sean's current bed. I didn't like him sleeping there. I was in love with him, I couldn't stand being in the same apartment as him and having him be so far away. I threw the covers to the side of the bed and walked out of our room. I expected to see him turned to the side, how he always falls asleep when he's lying down. Instead I saw him sitting up, with the lamp on. Bueller's cage was open and facing Sean. The ferret was in his hands, squirming around. Sean took some pet food and held it in his hand, letting Bueller eat it. I walked out from the doorframe, beaming with accomplishment. "So, you like the weasel?" I asked, sitting next to him.

"Yea, I guess he's cool."

"Yea, he is. I saw the cutest bunny though, I always wanted one. Named Flapjacks."

Sean put our pet in his cage and turned toward me. "Why Flapjacks?"

"My old best friend and I were going to get two bunnies from the same litter. Hers would be Pancakes and mine Flapjacks. And that probably sounds so stupid."

"No, it was your guys' thing. I was always a dog person. We had a springer spaniel, Charlie. He's not very smart, but he's loyal. And he doesn't mind when you make fun of him for the stupid stuff he does. Maybe sometime you could see him with me."

I smiled, assuming that meant meeting his parents. "And will Mr. and Mrs. Cameron be there, or will this be a dogs only visit?"

"Yea, you can meet them. Don't be surprised if they're weird though. You'll be the first girl I ever introduce to them. Or even considered introducing."

"And what makes me so special?"

He grabbed my hand and looked me in the eye. "You're the first girl I've been in love with."

Ellie Nash 

_12/16/06_

---

"Manny, what do you think of a silver dress. It's classy, elegant, and really matches blonde hair. So yes, no… what?" Emma asked, standing in the middle of two huge racks of dresses. The dance was days away and she still hadn't picked out the perfect dress. At this point though, she wasn't even sure she'd have a date.

"Do you have anything to match a silver dress? I mean, the hair is good, but what about jewelry, make up, shoes, purse? And what is Sean going to be wearing?"

"If I talk to him I'll let you know. We've seriously been going at it lately. He's so insensitive, this is all his fault."

"I get it. He just came back, you guys just became the picture perfect couple, and he goes off to learn how to shoot people."

"It's not just that. Manny," Emma started, taking a deep breath in and out, "the tests came back negative. There is no way that Sean would stay. That was my only hope."

"Em, long distance can work. You can write about your fabulous last semester at the cursed DCS, and he can write about.., oatmeal, life at 5 AM, whatever. You can make it work."

"Oh, yea, like you and Craig?"

Manny looked away, trying to hide the longing pan that entered her whenever his name was mentioned. "Something tells me Sean can't become a crackhead while in basic training. Em, just call the guy, talk to him, listen to him, do whatever you have to. That's why you're together, to talk."

Emma got up off of the bleachers. "I guess I'll be calling him then."

---

"Your work isn't bad. Not quite at the professional level but I suppose that's the purpose of college. So tell me Ellie, why did you quit the Core?" Pr. Lopez questioned.

I straightened up in my seat. "I wasn't getting the pieces I felt I deserved. My last assigned one was about the lack of math teachers. I just think that there are more relevant issues that people care about than why no one wants to teach functions and limits."

"The work you've done here is fine. But, I would like to see some of your old work before I write any recommendations for a bigger paper. Just to chart progress. Although it'll probably be a year or so before you get an internship, they don't give them to freshmen."

"I don't personally have my old work. But I'm sure my high school has them on record, so I can go there this weekend and give them to you Monday, if that's ok."

"Perfect. I get here at 8, so the closer to that the better." 

"See you at 8," I said, shaking her hand and leaving the room. This is it, this is my chance. Hopefully it won't get screwed up like everything else. All I have to do is go back to Degrassi. I'll go then hang out with Ashley or Jimmy. Probably both.

But there's one thing at Degrassi that I'd die to see, but then die from seeing. Sean. I don't know how that'd be. We haven't spoken since he left, and if I'm at the school, he could be waiting for Emma or something. Since he dropped out he wouldn't be in class. Which is something I still can't believe. He wanted to graduate. He needed to graduate. He needed it. What changed? Was it the shooting? Was it the timing? Was it Emma?

Instead of focusing on a question that will never be answered, I took out my phone and dialed it. "Hey, Ash, I have to go to Degrassi this weekend… I have to get some of writing that's on file from the Grapevine, so I was wondering if maybe you wanted to be my escort so I don't feel like the loser visiting high school again?… Ok, seriously there is a dance every fifteen days at that school… I guess I'll drop by, but I really have to just grab the papers and go. I'm back at the house, so I'll talk to you later, bye." I'm going to a Degrassi dance. I haven't been to one since grade 10.

---

Her house is within view. The green stands out from the other colors. Sean was floored when Emma called, but as he got closer, he was floored to see her standing in the snow, staring at the swing set. As he got closer, he could tell she was crying.

"Sean, I want Jessica. I want a family, I want us. I want you to stay."

"Em-" Sean started, knowing it wasn't possible at the moment.

She saw the look in his eyes when she said she wanted 'us.' It was a look of wanting to want, not feeling want. But she didn't care; she wouldn't let him go to anyone else. "I want this, but it can't happen now, and I understand. You have to go, even if all you're doing is causing more problems, and hurting people." Sean looked away. "But we'll be together after, right? Forever?"

"Sure, after. When I can."

"I want to believe you. But you left Ellie, and apparently you were real, so what's stopping us from ending? Make it official."

"Official? Like, marriage?"

"Or a promise ring. Just to promise that one day, we will be married, and one day we will have a family with Jessica, and Michael, Jacob, whoever. Just promise. It doesn't have to be some fancy ring, just please… for me."

He didn't know what was best. Deep inside, he knew that Ellie would always hold his heart. Her tiny hands gripped on and refused to let go. Maybe things were best the way there are now, with Emma. But maybe he would never truly be happy unless he woke up to red hair, with a ferret cage on the table and the aroma of burnt food filling the air. "Sean…"

"I'll get it." Emma threw her arms around him, knowing that as long as she had that ring, things would be her way and no one else's. Sean wouldn't break that promise.

"So about that dance on Friday, what are wearing? Because my dress is black and you should probably match. Red tie?"

"Sure."

---

What if I see him? I have to look perfect. God, my hair looks terrible. I need a hair cut, but I can't do anything now. I have huge bags under my eyes. Ok, not huge, but they're there. My wrists. They're about to break. My leg, oh, my leg. What if he can tell? I'll cover up. Jeans, long sleeved shirt, hoodie. I have to. He can't see me looking this… unlovable.

I don't know why I'm freaking out so much. Seriously, he won't care. Maybe he won't even be there. But he won't talk to me. No one would talk to me. We're over, I know it, but my stupid heart won't give up. He needs to get out. Because I know he doesn't want to be there.

Calm, nice, smooth. You have one reason to be there. One. Get the stupid papers from Hatzalakos and leave. Get away. Stay away from Sean, it'll only hurt. This was repeated the entire ride there.

The music filled the halls and echoed down them. Ashley and Jimmy went into the gym while I headed down the main hallway to the office. After waiting fifteen minutes, I finally got my papers and started heading toward the doors, when I stopped to read one of my articles. It was only 9.

Sean just finished a dance with Emma. He excused himself, saying he had to use the bathroom, when really he was going to get that ring for Emma. That ring that he wasn't even sure about giving but knew he had to. He made his way through the crowd of people, and pushed open the door, taking his time. He wasn't looking forward to giving Emma the ring. And that's when he saw her. A small girl slouched over some papers. Her red hair curled, wearing a black hoodie. Sean could hear his heart in his head, he wanted to go up to her and talk, to go back to being 17 and in their apartment, playing with Bueller and falling asleep to infomercials. He stared at her for a few minutes, not knowing what to do. "Ellie," he said, surprised that his voice came out normally and not cracked.

My heart felt a jolt. My head got dizzy, my vision got darker. It was him; he was here. Do I turn around? I have to, it would be rude not to. But it's also rude to leave someone and stick them with the rent. Rude or not, I forced myself to turn around, facing him. He looked so different. His muscles caught my attention first. As impossible as it seemed, he did get buffer. Then his hair. An interesting look, but it wasn't Sean. Maybe he's not Sean. I don't even know that I want him to be Sean. If I want him. I got up, placing my papers on the ground. No one will step on them. I walked in front of his, my eyes attached to his.

"Manny, I'm gonna go find Sean, I think he's getting my ring!" Emma shouted above the up beat song. Manny nodded and turned to talk to some friends. Emma went through the crowd, barely able to contain her excitement. Her face was glowing, she opened the gym door to see her boyfriend starting at his ex. Her glow turned to anger, her face contorted from the excited look to a look of rage. "Sean, what the hell? Weren't you getting my ring?"

"Her ring?" I said, barely in a whisper. I felt my eyes sting, I had to leave. I turned around to grab my papers, when I heard Emma say I should be leaving. I walked down the step and opened the door as I heard Emma slam the gym door shut. He's going after someone, I know it. He yelled 'wait.' He's coming for one of us.


	5. Chapter 5

We always argued about space in the apartment. There wasn't enough of a closet, there wasn't even dresser space to make up for it. The bed was kind of small as well. But he always gave me more space. We took turns with chores, I usually did the laundry because I wouldn't trust him not to mix up the colors and turn the whites purple. There's a reason I was afraid of him turning whites purple. Sean sometimes tried to cook, he knew how to make frozen pizza, pasta and mashed potatoes. So he usually did the dishes instead. We did the grocery shopping together. Sunday afternoons, that way we both were free and could get what we wanted. Sunday night dinners were always the best. For my 17th birthday, he made this huge, lavish dinner. My favorite food is guacamole, and he vowed to never make it again after the housing warming party. "It apparently tasted rancid," he said, quoting Marco. It was really late as I fumbled in my purse, attempting to find my keys. I walked into the apartment and saw it was dark except for some candles, strawberry candles, my favorite. I crossed the room and looked at the table. Laid out on it was guacamole, as Sean explained that he followed the recipe exactly this time and didn't substitute anything he didn't have. We sat at the table, eating the chips and guacamole, then, he said it was time for the actual dinner. He made pepperoni pizza, my other favorite food. For dessert he pulled out two bowls and put chocolate chip and cookies n cream ice cream in them. Once we were finished, he went into our room and got a wrapped box. I took it, thinking he had already done enough, and unwrapped it. It was a notebook, black leather with silver page sides. It looked so beautiful I didn't want to use it. I kissed him, it was the best gift anyone gave me.

Ellie Nash 

_12/17/06_

---

Emma and Sean sat across from each other, each staring in every direction but where the other was. Emma had big, dark circles under her eyes. Sean's shirt was wrinkled, no longer holding the new, white shirt look. "I can't believe you," Emma muttered, so emotionless it almost scared him. "Manny had to come get you? Manny? You didn't come after me, you were going after her weren't you?"

"I didn't go after anyone, I didn't know what to do."

The blonde took in a deep breath, then continued. "Sean this isn't going to work if you're not honest. The three of us can sit down and you guys can catch up. But this relationship, it's between us. You are my boyfriend, not hers. Your first loyalty should be me, not her."

"I'm sorry, I was just shocked to see her."

"Well, I suppose I could forgive you, depending on what you have for me…"

"I think I might have something," Sean said, pulling out a box. Emma snatched it from his hand, prying it open as her eyes widened at the sight. The ring was gold, and had an open heart in the middle, with a small diamond in the middle of it. She leaped into Sean's arms; the scene should have been perfect. Emma was euphoric, her face etched with excitement. Sean's face was a mix of regret, partially for last night and partially for what he had just done, and longing. But the longing didn't go to the girl in his arms.

---

The floor was cold and hard beneath me. I sat, crouching in my gray sweatshirt and black shorts. The blood seeped through me, just as tears seeped through my pain filled eyes. I knew it would only lead to pain, but this was more than I could handle. Everything we shared together, and she gets a ring? He's engaged now? It can't be possible. It can't.

My phone is ringing, I don't know for how long. I forced myself off of the floor and picked it up, knowing the number. I hesitated, then flipped it open. "Hello?" Not too pissed I hope. Maybe I hope. I don't know.

"Ellie, it's Sean. I wanted to know if we could talk, about everything since I left. And last night, everything basically."

"Don't you have an engagement party to plan? I'm sure Emma's already writing out the guest list."

"Engagement?" Sean's voice literally dripped with resentment.

"She said something about a ring, usually that means commitment."

"No, just a promise ring. I enlisted. I could tell you about it, if you want to know. Maybe at the Dot?"

"And Emma wouldn't care?"

"Emma wouldn't have to know. We're just catching up, that's all."

"Yea. That's all. Tomorrow at 4, ok?"

"Yea, ok. I lo- I'll see you then," he said, hanging up. I closed my phone. Stupidest choice ever. But it'll happen anyway.

---

My closet is currently my floor. Everything is there. I can't wear black, well, all black. I'll look upset to see him. Clothes flew through the air as I discarded them. Too gray, bland, perky, a skirt. Nothing was right. I finally decided on wearing a red long sleeved shirt with a black tank top over, with black pants. Each ticking second made me sick; I couldn't see him, and I couldn't wait to see him. I wouldn't take him back, he left me alone without even one phone call. I can't happen. But we can talk. Talk. Just talk.

"Well don't we look pretty today? Big date?" Marco asked, pouring coffee into a green mug. I extended my arm, silently asking him to fill mine as well.

"Not a date, Marco, catching up. Talking only," I sat, getting comfortable in the wooden kitchen chair.

"And who are you only talking to that requires you to spend four hours getting ready?"

"Sean," I said quickly, pouring milk and watching the black coffee turn to light brown.

"Cameron? As in the guy you were in love with? One question, why?"

"He's back from Wasaga and he's kind of changed. We're just catching up, he's with Emma anyway. Don't worry, I can take care of this. I will be better than fine, I just have to go."

---

"What are you doing today? Because I was thinking that we could maybe go ice skating. I haven't done it in years but Manny said she could help us, so what do you think?" Emma questioned, hoping to show off her new ring with her boyfriend.

"I have plans already, I can't."

"Plans with who?"

"An old friend. Maybe we could go tomorrow instead," Sean said, hoping to get off of the phone so he could take a shower. It was already 1:30, he had to get ready and drive to the Dot.

"Tomorrow I have to baby-sit. We can't bring Jack to the skating rink, people are going to mistake him for ours."

"Didn't you just say you wanted that?"

"Not the creepy second hand type where people think I gave birth to my brother."

"Well, we can reschedule. I have to go, bye," he said, hanging up without letting her finish. He did like Emma, it wasn't that he didn't want to be with her. Ellie just forced her way into his heart. Ellie was an unassuming girl, very shy, didn't make people do what they didn't want to. But she refused to leave his heart, even during that time in Wasaga.

Ellie was his first love, but deep inside, Sean knew he wanted her to be his only love. He just couldn't admit that to Emma, he couldn't hurt her like that. So he did what made her happy, including that ring. He never wanted to give her that, he wouldn't have done it on his own. H just picked out the cheapest one that was still presentable and gave it to her. There was no promise attached though, he couldn't do that.

He couldn't promise to only love Emma when he didn't love her now. He couldn't promise to only want to be with Emma when he was sitting at the Dot with shaking hands, waiting for another girl. He couldn't promise to only think of Emma when Ellie plagued his thoughts. And he certainly couldn't promise to want to love Emma forever when just the sight of Ellie walking through the door made his heart leap and assured him that he only wanted all of that with Ellie.

---

3:56. I'll go in at 3:58. I can't wait to see him, to hear him. To know why he gave that girl a ring. That girl he's been with for four months. That girl who has never supported him. That girl who isn't me. 3:57.

We could have worked things out. We could have done long distance, something. I guess he just didn't want me anymore. Maybe he met someone there. Maybe Emma stalked him while he was there. I don't know. Maybe it wouldn't have worked anyway. 3:58. Time to go.

I opened the door while looking for a kid in a beanie, forgetting for a moment that Sean now had hair that people can see. He was sitting in a booth, his hands underneath, and as I walked closer I swear they were shaking a bit. "Hi," I said, quietly, as I sat in the booth.

"Ellie, hey. Here's a menu, if you don't know what you want," Sean said, clearly nervous.

"Thanks," I said, taking the menu and flipping through the pages. "So, what do you want to talk about?"

"Uh, what have you been up to since I left? Any new boyfriends?" Sean was dying to know. Did she still think about him, or has some new guy taken his place?

"One, we broke up. Paige is with him now. And you clearly have Emma."

A waitress came and gave us some coffee. "For a few months."

"So everything's good? She's fine with you enlisting?"

"Not really. She, um, she laughed at first," Sean said, thinking Ellie would make a joke about it.

My face dropped. She laughed? "Glad to see your girlfriend so mature about serious issues."

"We talked about it, that's why she got a ring. I think it's just a comfort thing for her."

"She still laughed, Sean. She turned it into something about her, when it's your decision, your life. She can be unhappy but she has no right to laugh about something that big."

"She thought she was pregnant."

I dropped the spoon I was stirring my coffee with. "You slept with her?" It was a stab to the heart.

"Yea, once. I knew it wasn't right though; she had to get drunk once to get her to be willing. She drank on her own."

"She drank in front of the son of two alcoholics? Why are you even with her?"

"Because I am. I can't leave her now. Now that I gave her a ring."

"You are leaving her. For training."

"Right. I'm sorry, Ellie, about Wasaga. I wanted to come talk to you after I got back, but I thought you would be pissed."

"You thought right. It was pretty low of you, Sean, to leave me like that. Alone, with an apartment to pay for and an alcoholic mother."

"I thought she went to rehab."

"Two for two. But rehab doesn't pay for an apartment."

"How can I make it up to you?"

"Why would you want to?"

"Because I owe that to you. I screwed you over already, I can at least made that up to you."

"I don't think there's a gesture or anything. Once I'm over it, I'll know. You can just do what's best for you."

"Then I won't be making guacamole," he said with a laugh that lit his face up.

It was funny, I laughed with him. "Ok, at the house warming it wasn't the best, but for my birthday it was good. You just can't substitute things!"

"I'd only make it for you, so it's ok."

I looked at him, feeling the anger toward him start to subside. It's still there, I haven't forgiven him, but it's less. "Can I take your order?" the waitress asked.

"Cheeseburger with fries and a Mountain Dew," Sean said, handing her the menu.

"Um, fries. And a coke." She left and we were silent. "So when do you leave?"

"Next month."

"What about school?"

"I don't go anymore."

"So much for graduating."

"It wasn't working."

"How? How wasn't it working?"

"Problems with this kid, Peter."

I let out a small laugh. "You mean the scrawniest wanna be bad boy in the school?"

"I mean Emma's ex. He planted weed in my locker."

"Key word there: planted. You could prove it, if you wanted to."

"I've got the army now, I couldn't go back anyway."

"I still can't believe it. What happened to you, Sean?"

"What do you mean?"

"Your goals, you dedication, your sense of right and wrong. You gave all of that up for a girl."

"After the shooting my priorities changed," he said. Truthfully, Sean couldn't answer it. He considered all of that a mistake and he couldn't fix it.

---

"It's gorgeous Em, seriously," Manny said, hoping to get on one day.

"I love it. I love him," Emma said, feeling proud of herself.

"So, when are you guys celebrating? Tonight?"

"He's busy tonight."

"That sucks that he has to work," Manny said, dumping nail polish onto the bed.

"Not work, he's meeting up with an old friend."

"And would this old friend happen to be an old rival of mine?" Manny asked.

"Ellie? No, no. He would've told me."

"That's quite the coincidence then. He's at the dance, you're at the dance, she's at the dance. They run into each other, you see, you leave, she leaves. He stands there. And now there's suddenly a new old friend?"

"You hungry?"

"Well, I have two nails painted out of ten. Maybe when I'm finished we can go get something."

"No, now. Come on, we're going to the Dot. It's the only decent food place around here. Where else would they go?" Emma said, grabbing the purple from Manny's hand and pulling her arm.

Emma practically jogged to the Dot, then stopped at the window. She saw Sean sitting across from Ellie. They looked like they were having a serious conversation from the look on Ellie's face. "Em, I'm sorry," Manny said.

"Don't worry," Emma said, taking out her cell phone. She dialed a number, then waited for the pick up. "Peter, it's Emma. What are you doing today?"

---

A/N: Thanks for the reviews. They make me want to update faster for you guys. But with finals and work, I haven't had much time. But, I haven't forgotten about the fic.


	6. Chapter 6

We all went in Jay's car. Him and Alex were going at it in there, while Sean and I sat in lawn chairs with a blanket. It was 8, still light outside, the movie couldn't start yet. It was one of our first dates. We were talking about my mom, how I couldn't stand living there and how he had been there before. He turned to me, I could tell that he didn't want anyone else to know. "Promise me," he said, "that you'll never tell anyone else." I took his hand and promised. "He hit her, constantly, when he was drunk. I could never do anything about it, that's why I took everything out on Tyler."

"I'm sorry, you shouldn't have had to live like that," I said, feeling his pain.

"It's done, my mom chose to live with it. I can't change it. But if your mom ever goes near you, tell me. You're not living like that."

"I promise," I said. I never told anyone about his dad, and had my mom gone near me, I would've told him. I keep my promises.

Ellie Nash 

_12/20/06_

---

Sean walked up to the door to the building, turned the key and walked up the stairs. Apartment number 106; the one with the chipped and faded white paint on the door. Only today, it was different. Today, a girl was slouched in front of the door with a tear stained face. Her hair was messy, no longer styled and dyed. "Hey," he said, hoping to get her attention without her snapping back.

"Hi," her voice was monotone, clearly not how she normally speaks.

"Did you want to come in?" She didn't respond, just got off the floor and waited for him to open the door. She walked through the door and collapsed on a chair. Her small frame looked so out of place against the large chair. Her clothes didn't match, but when did they? She had an odd system for her closet. She grabbed everything in order. Shirts on one side, pants on the other. The first two were worn together. She had enough clothes to last a year, which was a hassle when she got kicked out. Sean grabbed a Pepsi and a Mountain Dew out of the refrigerator, handing her the green can with a straw. She took a long drink, clearly thirsty. "So, what are you doing here?"

She turned to him, showing the dark bags under her eyes, which stood out even against her skin tone. "He left. We got in a fight and he just left. He's not answering the phone, none of his friends are answering. Two days ago. Two fucking days ago! I fucking hate him!" she yelled, sounding more like herself.

"I'll try calling him," Sean offered, getting up to get his cell phone. He hoped to god he answered the phone. The girl would go crazy if he didn't. Sean watched her as he heard the phone ringing, waiting for an answer. She hadn't gained any weight, hadn't lost any weight. Still a size 2. Her roots were growing in though, probably because she still couldn't decide on a color. She did blonde for her boyfriend, but always wanted red. So when the time came to re-dye it, she always had her roots in by a few inches. She played with the ring on her middle finger, anxiously waiting for Sean's response. The sound of a voice on the other end grabbed Sean's attention. "Hey man, what's up?… Yea, I just wanted to talk, we haven't since Wasaga… Good, I've got a girlfriend and a job, my own place… You guys did?… What about?… Oh, well, where are you?… Yea, ok, bye." Sean hung up and sat across from the panicking girl.

"Is he ok?"

"He's fine, he's going to Calgary to see his mom."

"Calgary? Calgary! He went to Calgary without telling me? Fine, fine. Fuck him, it's over. He's so rude and inconsiderate, I can't fucking believe him."

"It's gonna be fine, just a rough patch. You guys have been together since freshman year, well, your freshman year. It's gonna be fine."

"No, it's not. He's always like that, he doesn't love me. I'm not putting up with his crap anymore. Sean, do you think I could crash for a few days? As usual I'm broke and I can't go back to our apartment."

"You take the bed. Go get some sleep, you look worse than usual," Sean said, hoping to get her to smile, laugh, show any emotion other than anger.

"Yea, I do," she said, dragging herself off the chair and into a room. She walked back out of the bathroom, asking, "Where is the bedroom?"

"To the left of the bathroom," Sean said, laughing at her. She nodded and disappeared through the doorframe.

---

"He enlisted, Marco. In the army, I can't believe he enlisted. He screwed up school, but he's doing something at least," I said, poking at my food.

"Sean Cameron in the Canadian Army. And to think, I thought he had trouble with authority," Marco said, laughing.

"Marco, seriously. This could be really good for him, you know? He needs this."

"Ok, he would make a good soldier. If we ever went to war at least. So, what else did you talk about?"

"He slept with Emma, she thought she was pregnant."

"Oh. Wow, that's awkward. He told you his why?"

"I saw him at the dance, when I was picking up my papers and she saw us in the same hall and yelled something about a ring. So he explained that she wanted a promise ring because she thought she was pregnant. Oh, and to sleep with him, she got drunk. In front of him."

"Then why did she sleep with him?"

"Maybe he offered her a bracelet that cost a whole dollar," I joked, referencing Emma's ravine stage.

Marco laughed, knowing it was wrong but the joke was funny. "Sounds like those two are a break up waiting to happen," he said once he calmed down.

"I doubt that when he comes back from basic they'll still be together. And if they are, they won't be for long."

"Because you want Sean to yourself?"

"Because she's a terrible girlfriend," I said, looking at my plate, trying to hide that I wouldn't mind having Sean to myself.

"You completely missed what I was trying to ask," Marco said.

"Even if we did get back together, it would take a while. I'm not just taking him back. It has to be right."

"Well, I think you guys were good together. You seemed happy," he said, grabbing our plates and putting them in the sink.

"Yea," I whispered. "I'm going upstairs," I said, leaving the table and Marco alone. For some reason, it hurt. It all hurt. Those two having sex hurt, more than I could ever imagine. Because he was officially with someone else. While all of my relationships suck. But his relationship is terrible, Emma is not the girl for him. She only proves it again and again.

---

"You called who?" Manny asked.

"I know it was stupid, but he was with Ellie, he deserved it."

"Em, go talk to him. You guys are serious, together, a couple. You have to talk things through."

Emma reluctantly agreed and picked up her phone, telling him to meet her at the Dot in fifteen minutes.

Emma sat at a booth in the far end. Sean walked in, finding her fairly quickly, and motioned for the girl to follow. She went at the counter and ordered her food, leaving the couple to themselves.

"Sean we need to talk. Why were you here with Ellie?"

"We were catching up, we hadn't talked since before Wasaga."

"There was probably a reason for that, don't you think?"

"No, there wasn't. We wanted to talk, and that's all we did. It's fine, you have nothing to worry about. It's not like it is with you and Peter, how he planted drugs in my locker and probably isn't over you," Sean said.

"Yea, probably," Emma said, chuckling a little. "I'll be right back, I'm going to the bathroom," she said, putting her purse and cell phone on the table. The cell phone started vibrating, so Sean looked at the screen. Peter was calling. Sean ignored the call and went to her recently dialed list. _Number two: Peter_. Right above Manny and below Sean. A few minutes later Emma came back, noticing the pissed off look in Sean's eyes. "What's wrong?"

"Look at this," he said, pushing the phone in front of her. She shifted her gaze from the phone to the window. "And this," he told her, switching from recently dialed to missed calls. "You got mad at me for talking to Ellie, when you called Peter, and obviously this isn't just one day because he's calling you back."

"I only called because you were talking to Ellie," Emma said as the girl moved down the counter to a space where she could hear their conversation clearly.

"Emma, I need you to promise me something. I gave you that ring as a promise. Now I need you to promise that you won't talk to Peter anymore. Especially when I leave for training. Please, just promise me that."

"I promise. Oh, our food is here. Thanks," she said toward the waiter.

"I didn't order any food," Sean said.

"I ordered for you. Veggie burgers, our favorite."

They ate in silence. The girl at the counter was bored to tears, and frequently came close to yelling at her friend for being with someone he couldn't talk to.

Ellie walked into the diner, starving after spending what was left of her day Christmas shopping. She was deciding between a sandwich and a burger, when she was interrupted by the sound of a very familiar voice. "Sean, do you not know how to talk? You did it plenty in Wasaga, why are you just sitting there with your girlfriend?"

"Sean, who the hell is this?" Emma questioned.

"Maisha?" Ellie asked, shocked to see the girl in Toronto.

"Elena! Oh my god!" Maisha said, hugging Ellie. "I haven't seen you in forever."

"Elena?" Emma questioned.

"We had Spanish together, and she's really weird so she started calling me Elena. Cause it sounds like Ellie."

"Oh please, you are weird too! We are both crackheads, I'm just louder. So, do you know Sean and… the girlfriend?"

"Emma," Emma corrected.

"Yea, I dated Sean actually, before this relationship obviously," Ellie said, slightly uncomfortable.

"Oh. Oh, you're the ex from Toronto, before Wasaga! I totally heard you, but Sean's an idiot so he never said your last name," Maisha informed. She turned to face the only guy in the 'group.' "Sean, are you aware that this is my best friend? We were seriously inseparable forever until my mom was a bitch and threatened to kick me out if I talked to the girl again."

"Wendy threatened to do that?"

"Yep, cause we drank. Which makes no sense because she went out with Jauve all the time, but whatever. We completely have to catch up. Your place or Sean's?"

"Can I get something to eat first?" Ellie asked. Maisha and her walked to a table and continued their conversation.

"Your place or Sean's? She's staying at your apartment?" Emma questioned, clearly pissed off. She knew that this girl would mean trouble for someone, and it wouldn't be Sean or, especially, Ellie.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Thanks for the reviews, I really appreciate them. I know I've been kinda bad with the updates, but I've been having five straight days of work for a while, so I haven't had the time to update. Hopefully I'll start getting more days off after next week so I can update more.

---

The air was thick; it reeked of illegal substances and alcohol, still illegal to everyone in attendance. The world flew around me, shaking, unfocused. I could hear laughter, I knew we were both ok, all we had to do was get to her apartment. "Where is the stupid street sign?" Maisha huffed, out of breath from running. She then slowed down, still breathing heavy. "They're gone, I think. We can walk." I nodded and stopped running, checking behind us. They weren't in sight, we were ok to walk.

"Madison," I said, surprised that I had the energy to talk. I didn't have the energy to run until I absolutely had to, and even then I was dead tired.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Maisha asked.

"The street, its Madison. The street sign is right there," I said, pointing to our left.

"We ran like, 10 blocks," she said, half laughing, though her voice was full of anger. "All because of those assholes."

"Maybe if you didn't steal their pack…"

"Maybe if they weren't so damn selfish. Two stupid cigarettes. That's all I wanted, but they said no and left the pack on the cooler."

"Whatever, it's not a big deal. We're fine and you have a practically new pack."

"Exactly. You spending the night?" I nodded, knowing that my mom couldn't make me dinner, and it was easier to be hungry because her mom didn't go shopping. Being hungry because your mom is passed out is much more difficult to handle. I spent a lot of nights at Maisha's.

Ellie Nash

12/21

---

"Sean, she can't stay here," Emma said. Moments earlier, Ellie and Maisha had gone into the bathroom. Maisha had bought some new red eye shadow and insisted I try it out, giving Sean and Emma a moment to be alone. "She isn't staying here, she can stay with Ellie."

"You look hot," Maisha said, opening the door and walking back into the living room. "Doesn't she look hot Sean?"

"Gorgeous," Emma nearly snapped. "So, how do you two know each other?"

"Me and Elena, or me and Sean?" Maisha questioned, crossing her thin legs.

"You know what, entertain me. Both."

"Maisha and I went to home school, we were in the same group. We were best friends, and then I moved," I explained. Emma nodded then looked at Sean, waiting for an explanation.

"Sean and my boyfriend were Wasaga Beach buddies. Me and Scott lived in the same building as his parents. The dip forgot his key so he was sitting on the front steps for like, two hours when we got back, and he couldn't get in his apartment, so he free loaded at our place for a few hours," Maisha explained, complete with her friendly insults.

"Building? You mean trailer park, right?"

"No, my parents rented an apartment. We moved out of the trailer park."

"Oh. That's great. Speaking of apartments, Maisha, where are you planning on staying?"

"I figured since Sean lives in district for Degrassi, I'd just stay here," Maisha answered.

"You're going to Degrassi?" I asked, the first time in spoke in what seemed like ages.

"I lost my second half of senior year. My mom kicked me out so I had to get a full time job to afford the apartment. So I figured, if Degrassi education is good enough for Ellie, its good enough for me."

"You can't stay with Sean!" Emma snapped, blowing her illusion of calmness, and her illusion that she was enjoying her time with Maisha and Ellie. "Sean's enlisted. He's leaving."

"Emma, could she stay with you then?" Sean asked.

"Me?"

"Yea. Manny moved out. Come on, this is her education, and it's one semester."

"I could pay rent, I don't eat constantly, I'll pay for my own clothes. I just need a place to stay so I can stay in school. Or go back to school. Please?"

Emma paused, an unsure look plastered on her face. "I'd have to talk to my parents," she said hesitantly, shifting in her seat.

"Maisha, you can stay here the night," Sean said, silently giving Emma a look, warning her not to protest this.

"I should get going. My mom is expecting me," I said, getting out of the seat.

"I'll call you tomorrow, give me your number," Maisha said, handing me her beat up cell phone.

"I should go too, it's almost midnight. I'll talk to my parents, maybe we can work something out. Walk me to my car?" Emma said, grabbing her purse and Sean's left arm.

"Yea. You coming El?" Sean asked.

"Yea. Bye Maisha," I said, hugging my long time friend. We walked down the stairs and to the back parking lot, mostly in silence. Emma mentioned how it was freezing. Sean told her to wear a heavier coat, and she argued that this one was cute. I got in my car and drove to my mom's, knowing that she wasn't actually expecting me.

---

Maisha had begun to set up her bed on the couch, complete with two pillows and a blanket, though it wasn't very comfortable. She heard the door open and close, letting her know it was safe to talk. "You and you girlfriend are certainly close," she commented.

"Yea," Sean said, sitting in the chair Ellie had just vacated.

"You guys are so loud, seriously, I almost got a headache," she quipped, sarcasm dripping from the words.

"We talk," the boy defended.

"Sean, I'll be honest-"

"When would you be anything less than honest?"

"Shut up! You seem so stiff with her, like, you're with her just cause she's there, and I don't know, maybe you think she's hot but she's no Kate Hudson," she blurted out. Like most of what she said, it was all said in one long breath, with adequate hand motions.

"After everything with the shooting, I just wanted something familiar. Something that I wouldn't associate with the shooting."

"Are you on crack? Emma was in the hallway, I know cause you told me."

"Yea, but, she wasn't the biggest reason I went in front of the gun. Ellie was. So I don't associate Emma with what happened."

"So you're not actually in love with her?"

Sean looked at Maisha. Since his time in Wasaga, she was practically his sister. She had a tendency to draw people in quickly, and once she was attached to you, she called everyday and loved knowing the small details about things. Sean looked at her, knowing he could trust her. And for some reason, she was the second easiest person to talk to. "No," he said, barely above a whisper.

"Then why do care if she talks to Peter?"

"I gave her that ring because she wanted it, I blew my savings on it. I don't want her screwing around with her ex."

"Oh. That makes sense, I guess."

"Don't say anything to anyone, ok?"

"Sure. I'll even do you a favor. When you're gone, I'll hang out with Emma. Make sure she's ok, not talking to Peter."

"Don't do anything bitchy. I know it might be difficult for you, but seriously," Sean said, laughing, while blocking Maisha's tiny hand from hitting his arm.

"Now, I'm tired, leave. I don't want to see you anymore." She got off the couch, arranging her bed things as she liked them, and laid down to go to sleep, all while Sean left her on her own.

---

My eyes blurred, everything was a thin, straight line except for lights. My cheeks hot and sticky, my leg stung and my hands shook. Everything from tonight practically killed me. He put his arm around her, he held her hand. He held her hand. He used to hold my hand. He used to put his arm around me, told me tight and kiss the top of my head, saying how he didn't know what my shampoo was but it always smelled good. But he whispered it, he didn't let anyone else hear our private conversation. I miss him. I didn't want to, I denied it for so long, but I do. And tonight, more than any other night, reminded me of that. And now she's going to steal Maisha too. She's going to be the new me, she's going to have my closest best friend, and my first love.

I feel like a bitch for thinking that. Marco is such a good friend, but I'll be honest. Back when he and Dylan first got together, I got excluded. And when I started hanging with Jimmy, Marco barely cared. Even now, we see each other, but he's hanging with Paige more and more and I'm left to do whatever. But when Maisha and I were best friends, we were best friends. We called each other everyday and hung out constantly. We lived at each other's houses. And now she might live at Emma's. It's not fair, it really isn't. Next thing you know, she'll be a journalism major taking pieces better than things about math.

I picked up the razor again, studying it. There's new blood, drying, and there's some old blood too. I'm going to have to replace it soon. I'll put it on my to do list. Which doesn't exist. I looked at my leg, it's destroyed. What will anyone else think? I threw the razor at the mirror. Clearly, it didn't break, but I didn't mean for it to. I dove into my bed, letting the tears come out as they pleased, and at some point fell asleep.

I was woken up by a sharp ringing. I looked at my phone, looking at an unfamiliar number, then remembered that Maisha was going to call. The girl wakes up at 7 at the latest. "Hello?" I said, my voice scratchy from not talking, and sobbing, all night.

"Sound like crap much? You're still sleeping at 8:30? Come on cow, you have to wake up!"

"I know, I know. I'm going to die of a sleep overdose, I remember."

"So, either you are coming over here or I'm going over there. And Mr. C is still passed out, he's apparently a deep sleeper."

"Nothing wakes him up," I said, remembering all of the days that I tried to get him up for school and wound up having to scream his name before he woke up.

"You slut! You spent the night with him didn't you?"

"We lived together, but we didn't actually have sex. Not sex sex at least."

"We are catching up. I have to tell you about Adam, you clearly have to tell me about Sean. Hurry up and get ready. Call me when you are," she said, hanging up.

I got ready, quicker than usual because as I remember, Maisha is the most impatient person on the planet. We decided that I would pick her up since she didn't know her way around, then go shopping. She wanted to buy something for Sean and me, and she needed something for Emma. Maisha assumed that Emma hated her and wanted to make her happy, to increase her chances of having a home.

"So, if I had some kinda big news, would you want to know?" Maisha excitedly asked as she got in the car.

"I guess, sure. Whatever, what is it?" I responded.

"I was talking to Sean, and I was telling him how him and Emma act like they don't know each other and how he's so freaking stiff around her, like he's afraid to have a personality because it might be wrong and she'll freak out. And he said that he doesn't love her."

"Well, she's wearing a ring that says differently."

"He only gave it to her because she whined about it."

"Seriously?"

"Yep," Maisha answered, clearly proud of herself.

"Then why is he with her?"

"Cause she reminds him of a simpler time."

A simpler time? Something about that didn't sound right. But with it, came a breath of hope. Hope for us. But I'd never say it out loud.


	8. Chapter 8

A shot rang out, almost deafening to the classes in that hallway. Though only one person was shot, the noise felt like a bullet hitting everyone who heard. People wondered if anyone else had gotten hit before, or after. It was seventh period. Math. Paige and Hazel weren't even in my class, but we were told to go to the nearest room and stay there. Code Red. I began to wish I had let Sean walk me to class; before I was too worried he'd be late and he already wasn't the greatest English student. But, I thought, it can't be anything big. It can't. But it was. For a long time, I hated that I didn't make Sean walk me to class. I hated that I wasn't a selfish girlfriend. And then I thought about it. I really thought about it. What if Sean wasn't there? Would Alex have been shot? Or Jay, maybe Spinner? Emma would have been, for sure. But he saved Emma. That's what I've never understood. He saved her. But I know he would've done the same for me. He would have stepped in front of a gun for me.

Ellie Nash

12/23

---

"It's actually not completely horrible. I mean the room. The painting is a little shabby, but whatever. Adam, you know, my boyfriend, painted the Slipknot sign on one of our walls in the apartment. He wanted to put one in the apartment when I lived with Uncle Scott, but he would've gotten killed. I can deal with this paint," Maisha explained. "The only thing that really sucks in closet space. I can't organize my closet anymore. But whatever, I can put up with it."

I turned into the Nelson-Simpson driveway. I was still amazed that Emma actually asked her parents to let Maisha stay, there, but I had a feeling she only did it because she knew that it was important to Sean. We walked up to the front door, and she pulled out her dangling keys, full of key chains but only a few keys. I walked into the house for the first time, not knowing what was in store for me. She lead me through the living room and kitchen, and down into the basement. Which was completely unexpected. For how full of herself she is, her room isn't what I expected. It's an unfinished basement, while I was expecting this super glamorous, spacious room. Maisha had her own little cot, more toward Emma's double bed and farther from the washer and dryer. Her 'side' was full of her own pictures on the walls and her side table, including one of her and Adam. Even one of the two of us, when we were in like, seventh grade. "Is that the puzzle we made?" I asked, looking at the baby with purple glitter wings.

"Yep, I kept it. Brought it with. I brought the one Adam and I made too," she said, pointing at the dragon on her wall.

"You guys did puzzles? If only I knew this in grade 9, when Ellie was all punked out," Emma joked.

"We did, when we were bored. This one took forever though. We lost two pieces, so we bought a new one that was cut differently. But we didn't know that, so we tried every single piece to see if it fit," I explained, laughing as I remembered the ordeal.

"We completely did, we put like, skin pieces in wing pieces and nothing worked. So we gave up for like, a million years," Maisha continued.

"Then one day, I got this call, and she was like, shrieking, I couldn't understand what the hell she was saying, and then she calmed down and I found out she finished it."

"It made our day. We got like, 95 of that done in one day, when you and Clark were going out," Maisha said. I looked at Sean, noticing the hurt in his eyes, but also noticing his effort to conceal it.

"I thought Marco was your first boyfriend, just not real relationship, obviously," Sean questioned.

"I dated him in like, grade seven or eight. It wasn't an actual relationship."

"Not everyone's as lucky as me and Sean, I guess," Emma said, rubbing her boyfriend's arm while he seemed oblivious to the conversation.

"Yea, sure. So, El, we need to go Christmas shopping. I need to get you a gift, and Sean a gift. Do they sell bullet proof body masks?"

I laughed, wishing he wouldn't go. I completely understand why he enlisted, and I know that there's barely any chance that he'd get hurt. But at the same time, I wouldn't mind having him here. Even if I'm not with him, I'd like to be near him. "Speaking of the army, when do you leave for basic?"

"January 7."

Emma's eyes widened, and anger filled her face. "That soon? Why that soon?"

"I didn't see the point of waiting."

"Fine. Whatever, enjoy boot camp," Emma said, leaving the room.

"She's even moodier than I am," Maisha commented, making me laugh and Sean crack a smile.

We sat there for a few minutes, Sean occasionally glanced at me, and when I looked anywhere in his general direction he moved his head in another direction. Then we heard the basement door open, and footsteps walk down the old stairs. "Mom and I are taking Jack to see the Santa then we're decorating the tree with him. If Sean wasn't being an ass, he could come with, since he is, you guys have to go," Emma said, turned on her heel, then walked back up the stairs. Then shouted 'Now!' a few seconds later.

Maisha got up, ushering us upstairs and into the car. "So, for Christmas I want Tinkerbell stuff. Like, clothes and jewelry," Maisha said as we walked into the mall.

"You mean you don't lose jewelry anymore?" I asked, knowing her track record with things like that.

"Shut up. I won't anymore."

"Are you getting us gifts?" Sean asked, clearly new at Christmas with Maisha.

"Duh, of course I am. I'm not some cheap piece of crap. So, we all split up. Meet at the food court in an hour cause I'm starting to get hungry."

"Um, do you know where the food court is?" I asked.

"I will. Everyone buys for everyone. Including Emma, I don't want her to hate me, I have to live with her."

"Emma?" I questioned, concern most likely showing on my face.

"El, it's fine if you don't get her anything. She probably hasn't gotten you anything either."

"No, I don't want to be the only stranger giving her something. You two aren't super close, so we both can get her something. Anyway, it's 2:26 now. At 3:26 we meet at the FC," Maisha said, looking at a map of the mall.

"Lame," Sean commented, referring to her 'FC.'

"Shut it. Ok, we are splitting the mall in thirds. Every twenty minutes we go to the next section so we don't see each other. Everything has to be a surprise. And we'll start… now," she said, walking off into various stores.

I walked around my section of the mall, which was mostly clothes stores which were either expensive or for women who weren't in our age bracket. I went into a sunglass store, remembering all of the times in summer that Maisha had complained about her eyes hurting because she had no sunglasses. But you can't really pick that out for someone.

I went in a few other stores but had no luck in them. I then walked to the second section of the mall, and went into the Disney store. And that's when I saw it. I knew she would love it. A big Tinkerbell picture. The background was green with outlines of other characters from the movie, with a drawn in picture of Tinkerbell with her name at the bottom.

Now there's Sean… he was never easy to buy for. I never knew what to get him for a birthday or holiday. I walked into the cd store, just to pass time. There were no new cds I wanted, which I learned after going through the sections I liked. I continued to go through the aisles, landing me in the rap section and the perfect Sean Cameron section.

He mostly does listen to rap, a little rock too. But he's picky about what he listens to. He doesn't listen to the mainstream stuff, it has to have a deeper meaning to it for him. I flipped through the stacks of cds, seeing some that were familiar from him and being amazed at other's names. Seriously, Lil Scrappy? Chamillionaire? Lame.

I went through a few rows of cds, when I saw one I thought he would like. He constantly listened to Tupac. I always thought he had a unique sound, so I wasn't too upset in the beginning. Though with how much Sean listened to him, I would've gotten sick of anything. I looked at the back, and saw that 'Broken Wings' was on there, which was something Sean listened to a lot. He said he could relate to it.

I brought the cd, and then wandered around half heartedly trying to find Emma a gift. Honestly, I don't want to waste my money on a gift for her. She's rude to me, she's rude to Sean, and she doesn't want to be my friend. There's no point in trying.

I got the twenty minute call, signaling me to go to the third and final section of the mall. I saw Sean still in a store, looking at a counter. I ducked into another store until I saw him leave to go to the last part. Curiosity took over, it pulled me over to the counter. "Wanna know what he bought?" someone asked from behind the counter, surprising me.

"Amy? Since when do you have a job? That pays in something other than bracelets I mean," I asked, still eying the case.

"Since I need the money. So, yes or no?" she asked, sounding as if she was going to burst.

I bit my lip, considering my options. I don't even know that he bought it for me. "Sure, I'll humor you. What?"

"This one," she said, pulling out a necklace. "It's not real Alexandrite, but it's not super cheap. Runs $250. Someone's lucky, E."

"E?" I asked.

"He bought it in an 'E.' E for Ellie," she said matter of factly, putting the necklace back in the case and turning around to talk to a customer.

"E for Emma," I said under my breath. It was a beautiful necklace, but I highly doubt I'll be getting it.

At 3:26 we met, and bought some food. "So Sean, any luck for stiffy?' Maisha asked, referring to Emma's stiff personality.

"No, I didn't find anything," he answered. I started coughing heavily, almost choking on my pizza. He didn't buy that necklace for Emma? And I bought him a stupid cd?

"You ok?" Sean asked, running his hand up and down my back, trying to get me to calm down.

"Yea, just… it was a really big bite," I said, sipping my drink and feeling like an idiot. Sean bought me a $250 necklace. I bought him a $14.95 cd.

"And for Elena?" Maisha asked.

"Honestly, I found the perfect present for her," he said, turning to me. "But it wasn't the right time. But, I think I found something pretty good."

"And me?" she asked, excitement dripping from her voice.

"Yea," he answered, not saying any more.

---

"I didn't think you'd call again," he said, sitting on the bench as she approached him. Emma was wearing plenty of layers, though she was still freezing. She was still more concerned with cuteness than practicality.

"I didn't think Sean would be leaving in two weeks," Emma said, sitting next to him on the hard, cold bench. "Do you mind me calling?"

Peter turned to her, looking her in the eyes. "No."

"Good, cause with him gone, I'm not gonna have many people to talk to, I might be calling more," Emma said, holding onto her jacket.

"What are we doing?" Peter asked, turning to face her completely.

"What do you mean?"

"You cheated on me with him, now you're coming back to me? What's going on?"

"Sean and I are taking things as they come, we decided at the dance. And he has decided to spend time with his Wasaga twig of a friend, and his major ex. I can talk to you if I want."

"What if Sean and Manny found out?"

Emma straightened out in her seat and cleared her throat. "I'll ask Sean how Ellie is and tell Manny to just avoid the vodka," her last comment making her laugh.

"I got you something," Peter said, pulling out a small box from his jacket pocket.

"Ooh, present!" Emma squealed. "I'm so excited," she said, tearing open the wrapping. She opened the box and was looking at a small dolphin statue.

"I know they're your favorite," Peter said.

"Peter, it's perfect," Emma said, hugging him.

---

Maisha walked into the kitchen, seeing a note on the table.

Mom, went to the movies with Manny 

_Be back later_

_-Emma_

She put the paper down and grabbed her bags looking at what she bought. The phone rang, and, though slightly uncomfortable, she answered the phone. "Is Emma there? It's Manny, her cell is off."

"Huh?" Maisha asked, not bothering to hide her confusion.

"I need to talk to Emma, is she there?"

"She said she was at the movies with you… that skank!" the girl threw down the phone, then dialed the number she quickly memorized. Ellie had to know about this, and help her decide what to do about Emma.


	9. Chapter 9

_The couch seemed harder. The furniture more beat up. My thighs looked fatter. Everything looked worse. I sat there, not knowing what to do. I should be getting a job, I thought. I should be packing, I thought. I should be calling him. But I was immobile. I was stuck to the hardened couch, and nothing seemed like it was going to make me move. When I first heard, my eyes welled with tears. He told me he loved me, but he had to go. Or stay rather. I walked to the car, the tears forcing their way out. But I didn't cry. I thought about it too much, I was too upset to cry. I was too broken to cry. I was silent, I was exhausted, but I wasn't crying. Emma sat in the back, saying she wanted to tell stories about Sean. Their first date, oh it was so embarrassing, she started. He dug through the trash for god's sake! I told her to shut the fuck up and went back to my daze. I'm sure she shot me a dirty look or two, but I didn't care. He was my __boyfriend,__ I didn't want to hear about __those two. I didn't want to hear about anything. I just sat on the hardened couch, knowing that my days there were numbered._

_Ellie Nash_

_12/25_

---

The house was silent and dark. Emma slept, her hair a tangled mess, which was a far cry from the seemingly perfect ponytail she had it in before she fell asleep. Across the room Maisha laid, bunched up in numerous blankets yet still feeling the draft of the basement. Neither were prepared for the shriek of the three year old that they heard. "Emmy, presents!" he wailed down the stairs, waking the girls up.

"One minute Jack, go get mom and dad," Emma said, rolling over to check the time. 5:43. She wanted to wait until at least 11 to wake up. "Maisha, presents," she said, less enthusiastically than her brother.

Maisha grunted in protest, pulling the layers of blankets over her head. She'd barely gotten any sleep, she'd been contemplating what to do about Sean. About Peter. About Ellie.

"Let's go," the blonde said, pulling the blankets onto the cement floor.

"Whatever," Maisha said forcing herself out of the semi-warm bed and into the frigid basement. She quickly pulled on a second pair of sweatpants and a sweater, then walked upstairs.

"Jack sorted out all of the presents guys," Spike said, an unsure look plastered on her face. Emma wasn't sure why, but understood when she saw her step father handing her mother a present, and her mother placing another in Jack's pile.

Maisha sat in the far corner, feeling visibly awkward and uncomfortable. "We tried to find something you'd like, but we don't know you that well," Snake said, handing her an envelope.

"No, really, you don't have to," she said. "I'm already living with you and you don't even know how to spell my name," the girl finished, noting that her name was spelled "Miesha" on the card.

"Oh, sorry! We tried. But you have to take this, it's a gift" Spike said, placing the envelope in her lap.

"Thank you," she said, opening it and seeing a $20 bill in the card. "Actually, I was wondering if I could go over to Sean's, I have a gift for him."

"Wait for me, it'll only take like, an hour or so to get ready," Emma said, not even finished opening her presents.

"If it's ok with you guys, I'd rather just go now. I have to go to Ellie's too," Maisha explained.

"Well, sure. Just be back by 5 for Christmas dinner. You can invite Sean if he's not already invited."

"Hey, Mai, I had something to show you. Come on, it's downstairs," Emma said, getting up and grabbing the younger girl's wrist. Emma pushed her in front, so she could walk down the stairs first. "Why do you want to be alone with my boyfriend?"

"To talk," she replied, giving Emma a look, as if asking why there was even something peculiar about why she wanted to see Sean.

"Then talk here, or on the phone," Emma told her.

"Emma, it's about my boyfriend… or ex, whatever he is. I still love him and I need to talk to someone who understands," Maisha explained. Emma still had a doubtful look on her face. "After all, he lost you before, didn't he?" Maisha hated lying; she wasn't very good at it. But the situation required it, she told herself.

Emma had a thoughtful look on her face, then finally relented. "Fine. But if I call, I want the phone answered," she said as she walked back upstairs.

---

Sean opened the old, partially warped door to see a small girl in bundles of clothes standing there with a bag in her hand. He stepped aside, knowing she was freezing. "God damn I'm so cold," she breathed out, letting him know that her asthma was acting up. She plopped onto the couch, keeping on her heavy coat.

"How many layers do you have on?" Sean asked, sitting on the couch beside her.

"Pajama pants, jeans, a tank top, short sleeve shirt, my sweater, Adam's jacket and my winter coat."

"Well of course you're freezing, you've got nothing on," he said, laughing.

"Shut it," she said, pointing a short finger at him. "I got you something," she said, handing him the bag.

"I'll be right back," he said, getting off of the couch and turning into his bedroom. He opened the closet door and kneeled on the ground, and picked up an unwrapped box. He opened it, looking at the necklace. He bought it on an impulse, unable to afford it and unsure if the girl he bought it for would even accept the gift. He knew she would love it, but wasn't sure if she'd love it being from him. He looked at it for a few more seconds, then snapped the box shut and picked up Maisha's gift. "Here," he said, resuming his spot on the couch.

The skinny girl tore threw the wrapping, or rather newspaper. She squealed as she looked at the Tinkerbell bracelet, clearly excited. "Oh my god, we match!" she exclaimed, grabbing onto his shoulder.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Sean grunted, knowing that she couldn't possibly be talking about him.

"I bought Ellie this one too, and I really wanted it!" she said, putting the bracelet on. "This is so exciting!"

"Completely!" Sean sarcastically commented, opening his bag. He pulled out a black and grey beanie, like the one that, at one point, seemed to always adorn his head. "Wow," he said. "It's just like the one I lost."

"Yea, you seemed pretty upset when you couldn't find it in the woods so I got you a new one," she said, referencing the time when they went camping and him and Adam were messing around, throwing things in the dark. His beanie got thrown and they couldn't find it the next morning. "So, what'd you get Emma?"

"That damn ring," he responded, almost as if he resented her.

"Wow, you seem to into that relationship. So when's the wedding?"

"That's not even funny. I just don't understand why she needed the ring so bad."

"Cause deep down she knows you love someone, but not her. Their names start with the same letter though," she said, stretching out on the couch and grabbing a Reese's, throwing one to her friend, who missed it.

"What?" he choked out. He didn't even notice the orange wrapper fly through the air and hit the ground with a 'thud.' How would Maisha know?

"Sean, it's completely obvious. You're so blah around Emma, she drains you of your personality. Ellie compliments you."

"You're just saying that because she's your friend," Sean said, trying to cover up what he knew was the truth.

"Best friend. And no. I really do think you guys belong together."

Those words meant a lot to him, even though he didn't say it. But he knew that he couldn't do anything; he was leaving for basic training within weeks. He already left her once, he wasn't going to do it again. "I'm with Emma."

"You're with someone who only cares about herself and that 12 year old looking kid."

"Peter?"

"Yea, that one. She was with him the other day, she said she was at the movies with Manny but then Manny called. I wanted to tell Ellie, but I figured it's more your business, you know?"

"She promised she wouldn't see him anymore," Sean responded. He stopped pacing the room, slowly sitting on the chair next to Maisha. He just sat there, staring at the ground.

"I'm sorry," she squeaked out, not knowing what to do. The entire time she'd seen him with Emma, she assumed he didn't care about her. Now she saw that, although he was in love with Ellie, he still cared about Emma. It still hurt him that she was around Peter. "She probably didn't fuck him."

Sean gave a half smile, "Yea… probably."

"Do you wanna go with to Ellie's? No pressure, just friends?"

"Sure, I guess."

---

I woke up at noon, wondering why my mother hadn't woken me up. She promised we would have Christmas breakfast, then open presents. I threw off the warm covers and was greeted by a burst of cold air, someone didn't turn the heat up. As I walked down the hall, I saw that the light was still on. She never leaves it on, mostly because I always turn it off anyway. The light keeps me awake. Her room is still completely made, the bed wasn't slept in.

She probably just passed out on the couch, I told myself. An eerie feeling crept from my stomach to my head, my pace quickened as I jogged down the stairs, trying to get to the couch. It was empty, the kitchen was empty. "Mom?" I said, half afraid that she would yell at me for waking her. "Mom!" I yelled. No answer.

I walked into the kitchen, noticing a note on the counter.

_Eleanor,_

_I've gone to rehab again. Sorry I couldn't say goodbye, I had a flight to make._

_Mom_

_PS- I'm in the States_

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I said, know aware that no one would hear me. "You fucking left on Christmas?" I threw the note, watching it glide to the ground.

I walked up the stairs, my mind whirling. What I needed, I decided, was a hot shower. I turned up the heat on high, tore off my worn in pajamas, not caring where they landed. I stepped into the shower stall, able to small the heat. After only moments, my pale skin was stained red. Only this time it wasn't from blood, it was from the extreme heat of the shower. But I hardly noticed; I stared at the wall the entire time. Nothing would ever be right. Mom's gone, Dad's gone. I have no one.

She's attempted rehab a grand total of three times. Once after the car accident when I was little, which didn't help. Once when I moved in with Sean, which didn't help. And now she's there again. It probably won't help. Nothing will ever help.

Tears silently streamed down my face. I hate myself. _I hate everything._ I'm doing it again. I'm giving her that power, again. I'm being weak, I'm being vulnerable. I'm being an annoying little girl. I'm not strong. I'm not carefree. I'm not that girl who doesn't care what anyone thinks. But they all think I am.

I leaned against the wall and slide down. All I want is someone. _Anyone._ I need someone to want me, to never leave. To actually care about me.

In the distance I faintly heard a phone ringing. I tried to get up, but slipped. I didn't have the energy to stand, even though I slept for twelve hours. I gave up and let the heat envelope me.

The water eventually got cold, and I forced myself up. 1:47. I took an hour and forty four minute shower.

I walked into my room, putting on clean clothes and falling onto the bed. After all, if I used all of that water, I might as well put on something new. Even if no one will see it. I closed my eyes, wondering what to do. I don't even know her phone number, and my dad's off in the Middle East. No one can help me. The phone call popped back in my head, prompting me to grab the phone. One missed call.

_Craig._

After hesitating and, basically procrastinating, for a minute or two, I called him back. It rang a few times, then went through. "Hello?" a deep voice answered, sounding more like Craig and less like a crack addict. It was refreshing.

"Hey, it's Ellie. You called?"

"Yea, hey. Well um, I've been in rehab for a while, and I've been thinking about how I acted-"

"Ah, the twelve steps. Number nine," I cut him off, scarily familiar with the apologies that came with it.

"Well, kind of. I was going to apologize anyway, I just figured it would mean more when I was more sober."

"Yea, it does. And it's ok, it's not the worst I've been through."

"How are you? I mean, you're not… you know… right?" I noticed the awkward tone in his voice, and knew what he really meant. _You didn't cut yourself because of me, did you? __Because that'd be weird for me._

I looked at my leg. It was covered with gray fleece pants, decorated with black and white stars. No one would ever guess what was underneath. "No, I'm not. I'm going to group," a little lie. No worse than his.

"Oh, ok. Good. So what's up at Degrassi?"

"The school? Well, JT was stabbed, died. They combined with Lakehurst, there was a fire. Kind of ironic."

"JT? Little JT? The one who was obsessed with strippers?"

"Yea… I guess. But he hasn't been little for a while, he is a dad," I said, trying desperately to ignore that I still felt slightly uncomfortable around him.

"It's just so weird. I knew him when I first transferred."

"Maybe we should change the topic, that's a little depressing… So, how's Calgary?"

"It's all right, I miss the TO though. That's what my buddy Devon calls Toronto."

"Really? Can't imagine where he got that name from."

Craig laughed, "That's what I miss El. The fun we had."

"Yea. Before everything got so… sucky, basically."

"El, I miss you," he said. Plain, simple, powerful. But for some reason, I didn't feel as much as I thought I would. Had this been last month, I would've been glowing for the rest of the year. Now, I still feel a pang, but it's not the same.

We talked for two hours, about rehab, Calgary, Ashley, Manny, music. But not my mom. Not Sean. I didn't even mention Maisha. Because I knew he wouldn't care. No one would care. He'd just fall for her and leave me completely and utterly alone.

"So, I'm probably going to be heading home next month."

"That's great Craig. We can catch up in person."

"Ellie, I know I was an asshole to you. And twelve steps or no twelve steps, I really want to apologize for that."

"You used my feelings against me, Craig," I said, tears starting to sting the back of my eyes.

"I know, and I'm sorry. But I've been thinking a lot about what I said, and I wasn't totally lying," he cautiously said. He knew he was entering a dangerous area but did it anyway.

"You love me?" Ellie questioned, her voice cracking.

"I like you, I think I could love you," he responded.

"Craig, this… I just… I don't know what to say."

"It's ok. We can talk everything out when I'm back. Just, try to forgive me for everything, ok?"

"Yea, ok. I should go, I have Christmas stuff to do," I said, hanging up the phone. I was shocked, I was numb. Everything is wrong. He should've said this is grade 12. Sean should be saying this now. Nothing is right.

The doorbell pulled me out of my thoughts. I looked out the window and saw Maisha and Sean. I glanced in the mirror and saw a red, puffy face. Bloodshot eyes. Tear stains covered my face. And I have company.


End file.
